In the wake of whatever fresh nonsense will have transpired by the time this goes live, I come bearing a recap of another childhood favorite. Can a Western count as a period drama? Stop asking the wrong questions. The correct question is What could I stream for free last weekend? The answer happens to be 1985’s Silverado.

The year: 1880. The place: Uhh… the American West. Not California and not Chicago; that should narrow it down.

Emmett (Scott Glenn) has just finished serving five years in prison for killing a guy in self defense. En route home, he’s awakened from a nap by

Lucky for him, it’s C. Not only does he easily take out his would-be assassins with his boomboom sticks, but their coolest horse hangs around afterward, so he gets a bonus horse. I’ve had days that started off worse!

Emmett and his double horses soon come across Paden (Kevin Kline), an affable guy who’s been robbed down to his long johns and left for dead. He claims his only regret is losing his horse to the robbers. Since Emmett has Bonus Horse, he lets Paden ride with him. Within a minute of screen time, these two are well on their way to being BFFs or boyfriends, depending on how you interpret the dynamic.

When the pair makes a pit stop, Paden immediately spots his stolen horse and the guy who took it. Still rocking nothing but long johns, he uses a loan from Emmett to buy a pistol and ends up on the winning side of a shootout with the thief. The authorities are like, We’re cool with you offing this guy as long as you can prove you’re the horse’s rightful owner. “Can’t you see this horse loves me?” asks Paden as the horse whuffles his face. Told this is insufficient evidence, he shows his name carved into the saddle, and since everybody knows it’s impossible to switch out saddles on a horse, his extrajudicial killing is ruled NBD.

The horse isn’t the only old friend Paden runs into. Also on site is Cobb (Brian Dennehy), whom Paden used to “ride with,” if you know what I mean. The energy here is very “it ended amicably but I lowkey carry some resentment.” Cobb tells Paden he’s gone straight (in the legal sense) and offers to hire Paden for an upcoming job, but Paden politely declines.

Sidenote: This might have something to do with Cobb’s associate Tyree, whose eyes are the answer to the prompt “what if Kash Patel had the stomach to kill living beings with his bare hands instead of just with policy.” Tyree will eventually die a satisfying death, but not before wreaking various minor havocs on the subplots.

Paden and his horse stick with Emmett and Bonus Horse, heading to a town called Turley. Emmett’s plan is to meet his brother there, then visit their sister in (GASP) Silverado, and then strike out for California. Paden’s plan is to… go with the flow. Now fully clothed, he says the only OTHER stolen possession he’ll miss is his hat. I wish this had been a running gag through the whole movie, with Paden continuously identifying one more thing he misses, but he’s a simple soul: The horse, the hat, and finding a good saloon really are his only priorities.

In Turley, Emmett and Paden cross paths with a wagon train bound for (GASP) Silverado, which boasts

At the local saloon, Emmett and Paden witness the movie’s first hate crime. Mal (Danny Glover)¹ orders a bottle of whiskey, only to be told by the racist proprietor that this is a whites-only establishment. When he refuses to leave, racist bouncers jump him, which becomes the last mistake they’ll ever make. The commotion brings in the sheriff (John Cleese, inexplicably), who orders Mal to leave town despite Emmett and Paden vouching that Mal didn’t start the trouble. Mal savors a single shot of whiskey before complying; the one thing white supremacy can’t take from him is his charisma.

Sheriff John Cleese turns his attention to Emmett and Paden. Upon learning that Emmett is looking for his brother, SJC directs him to the local jail.

Time to meet Jake (Kevin Costner), a boneheaded showoff operating under the influence of either too much coke or not enough Ritalin. He’s been convicted of murder, though he insists it was—say it with me—self defense, and has been sentenced to hang.

Of course, Emmett now has to spring Jake. Paden, who’s had one too many brushes with the law in his past life, takes a rain check and wishes Emmett luck. Five seconds later Paden walks back into the saloon, sees his hat, self-defenses the guy who stole his hat, and gets thrown into Jake’s jail cell.

With Emmett creating a diversion, Paden and Jake jailbreak themselves. All three, with Jake aboard Bonus Horse, head for the hills with SJC’s posse on their tails. SJC & Co. turn back after Mal provides covering fire for the escapees. And BAM, the dream team is complete.

My three dads, plus Kevin Costner (NOT my dad, as mentioned in a previous newsletter), travel together to Silverado, each with their own goals:

Remember that wagon train, though? Yeah, the shady guides have robbed the wagon trainers, leaving them A) lost and B) lacking the means to buy stolen Indigenous land. Can’t have that! Our dads and Kevin Costner offer to track down the thieves and bring back the cash. A distrustful wagon trainer—who’s maybe Hannah’s husband but maybe not?? neither the movie nor Hannah seems to care much—insists on going along, in case these guys turn out to be swindlers too.

That’s honestly pretty sound logic, but Unnamed Husband-Shaped Guy’s vibes are bad, and in this movie the vibes are everything. He’s so focused on distrusting our dads that he fails to clock the real danger. “You got a lot to learn about people,” Mal tells UHSG right before UHSG gets sniped by a thief.

Through a combination of hijinks and good aim, our dads and Kevin Costner take out the thieves and take back the loot. They proceed to guide the wagon train the rest of the way to Silverado, complete with an Oregon-Trail-worthy river-fording scene. At their destination, they split up: Paden to tag along with Hannah, who seems cool as a cucumber post UHSG’s death, and the others to see their families.² The end.

WHOOPS, NOT QUITE.

While catching up with their sister, brother-in-law, and young nephew, Augie, Emmett and Jake learn that a local cattle baron named McKendrick—the son of the guy Emmett self-defensed—is ruining the lovely stolen land of Silverado for the rest of the colonizers. He’s also probably still mad at Emmett for self-defensing McKendrick Senior. Emmett’s like Nah, I’m sure he’ll be chill; I did my time, bygones etc. Which I assume he’s only saying because he doesn’t want to scare the kid. And by the kid I mean Jake.

Meanwhile, Mal finds his family’s house burned down, the land overrun with McKendrick’s cattle, and his elderly dad (Joe Seneca, absolutely crushing this small role) barely scraping by, “afraid to walk my own land.”

“What about the law?” Mal asks, presumably because he got concussed in a deleted scene.

“Whose law?” his father retorts. “The law here runs a man down just like he’s cattle.” The shift in tone and stakes hits so hard that we briefly wonder if Kevin Costner is in a completely different movie.

And Paden? His date with Hannah is a disappointment, due to

But never fear—Paden soon finds Silverado’s saloon. “It’s the only place I’m happy,” he confides to the friendly, feisty manager, Stella (Linda Hunt). “Me too,” she says. “What’s wrong with us?” First guess: alcoholism? But hey, that’s one more shared interest than Paden has with Hannah. Stella also has way more personality than Hannah. As a little person and as someone who looks her age (forty at the time, only two years older than Kline ftr!), Hunt doesn’t fit the usual love interest mold, and that’s why I like her. I’m shipping this.

But TWIST: Stella’s boss, the saloon’s owner and the SHERIFF of Silverado, turns out to be Paden’s ex, Cobb. Delighted that Paden’s in town, Cobb fires and promptly “self-defenses” Stella’s co-manager, foisting that guy’s job on Paden.

Technically, the original co-manager was stealing from Cobb AND tried to give him the ol’ ka-pow after his termination. Based on precedent, either factor should be enough to satisfy this territory’s self-defense gods. But the vibe. Is. Badddddd. Everybody senses it: Paden. Stella. Even Jeff Goldblum, who shows up out of nowhere in the absolutely incoherent role of a gambler named Slick. This character is just three unrelated plot devices duct-taped together, but like, are we mad that Jeff Goldblum is here?³ Well, then, quit complaining!

Back to Emmett’s family. His nephew, Augie, is riding Bonus Horse when one of McKendrick’s men accuses him of theft. Turns out Bonus Horse originally belonged to one of the McKendrick goons. Emmett’s like Dang, TWIST, the guys who jumped me in the opening scene were sent by my greatest living enemy, which: Yeah!!! Hello!!! Alas, Bonus Horse is reclaimed by the McKendrick gang, resisting all the way, because Bonus Horse can read the vibes as well as any of us.

Much worse is in store for Mal: McKendrick’s men murder his dad. Unlike every other character death up to this point, it’s not remotely funny.

Sidenote: Even the backstory about Cobb’s pal Tyree shooting a dog (nonfatally)⁴ has a great punchline. “It evened out in the end,” says Paden, who got caught and jailed because he stayed behind to tend to the dog while the rest of Cobb’s posse fled the scene of their crimes. “The dog sprung me.”

As for Mal, his only remaining family is his sister, Rae, a sex worker who has a full calendar due to Slick’s patronage. She resents Mal for leaving home in the first place and warns him against adding a second headstone to her shopping cart.

Meanwhile, McKendrick asks Sheriff Cobb to help him eliminate Emmett. Cobb’s like, Sure, you’re the boss. I don’t need to explain the relationship between government and big business to you, my discerning readers, in the year of our weary Lord 2026.

Cobb sends some deputies to snuff Emmett, who’s

Mal once again comes to the rescue. Emmett’s left with what I’d diagnose as a textbook two-scene brain bleed, the kind that clears up just in time for the big action sequence. But for now, he’s out of commission, so Mal goes to warn Jake on his behalf.

Due to circumstances that arise mainly to justify Jeff Goldblum’s presence in this movie, Mal instead ends up arrested and jailed. “We’re gonna give you a fair trial,” Cobb promises him, “followed by a first-class hanging.” Which is pithier than anything the Justice Department tweets these days, so credit where credit is due.

Jake, unwarned, walks straight into a McKendrick ambush at his sister’s house. The McKendrick goons beat up the sister and brother-in-law, set the house on fire, and kidnap Augie along with Jake. Throw in the dog-related backstory, and we’ve covered Kristi Noem’s full CV.

Paden is horrified by these developments, but Cobb warns him not to interfere—lest Stella get caught in the crossfire.

Stella urges Paden to simply self-defense Cobb before Cobb can harm anybody else, including her. Paden came here to drink whiskey and be a decent dude, and he’s all out of whiskey. So that’s one dad back in action.

Rae helps Mal break out of jail, getting injured in the process. Stella takes care of her while Mal rushes back to Emmett, whose brain bleed is healed by grit and a thirst for justice. The other two dads are GO for launch!

Together, my three dads rescue Jake, Augie, and Bonus Horse from the McKendrick ranch, pursuing McKendrick and his goons into town. Everybody gets to have some fun now:

Let’s take stock. Jailbreaks: 2. Horse rescues: 2. Hat rescues: 1. Child rescues: 2 if we’re counting Jake in Turley. Rivers forded: 2. Multiplayer shootouts: at least 5. One-on-one shootouts: at least 3. Sendoffs without firearms: 3. Sendoffs by a lady: 1. Times Mal says “Now I don’t wanna kill you and you don’t wanna be dead”: 1. Shots of whiskey consumed: the limit does not exist.

We wrap up with Mal and a recovered Rae setting off to farm together; Emmett and Jake and their whole family departing for California; and Paden taking over the vacated job of (TWIST/GASP) sheriff of Silverado. Our heroes live to bond and seek whiskey another day.

Plot, pacing, and structure: 3. It’s like an impressionist painting. Don’t expect it to hold its shape if you squint at it too hard. Just let it wash over you.

Characters: 4. I have some questions. Did Rosanna Arquette’s character matter more—and by more I mean at all—in the original script? Why is Jeff Goldblum here? Why is John Cleese here?? Could Jake please, for one second, take it down half a notch? But I love my three dads and wish this movie hadn’t flopped hard enough to rule out a sequel.

Historical accuracy: 3. Plenty of inaccuracies, from the glaring omission of Indigenous people down to the presence of a fifty-starred US flag. But many load-bearing aspects hold true: Rampant greed and corruption, check. More racial diversity and more roles for women than most depictions acknowledge, check. The Second Amendment standing in for the whole Bill of Rights, check.

Themes: 4. Lotta talk about land and why it matters to people with no mention of who was originally living on it, so a mandatory point deduction there. I stand by the rest: Choose your friends wisely, horses included. Teamwork and trust can get you through just about anything. If it “ain’t right,” don’t accept it. As Stella says, “Some people think because they’re stronger or meaner, they can push you round… But it’s only true if you let it be.”

Here’s to you, friends. Hang in there with me till next time!