Our Lady of We-Keep-Us-Safe

Hey, friends. Hope you're all hanging in there. I decided this month’s newsletter should feature a comfort watch. A children’s movie, perhaps. A musical, even. So naturally I chose to revisit the most disturbing film ever to carry the brand of Walter Elias Disney: 1996’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame, based on Victor Hugo’s 1831 Gothic meganovel. Well played, me! Real comfy!

To this day, I don’t think anyone knows how this movie got made. It takes a wrecking ball to every parameter that would normally be imposed on a kids’ movie, then throws in a cute goat as a fig leaf. I always knew it went hard, but at the age of seven I was not equipped to absorb just how radical (complimentary) its themes were. Rewatching it as an adult, I repeatedly swore out loud as the story got RIGHT in society’s face and held up a mirror. YOU COULD NOT MAKE THIS MOVIE TODAY.

We open with an aerial view of the cathedral and a choral soundtrack hardcore enough to make James Horner blush. Welcome to Paris in, I go to say, the 1400s? I’m not looking anything up. It’s not that kind of week.

A Romani family is sneaking into the city but gets caught by Judge Frollo (masterfully voiced by Tony Jay), the rare Disney villain who both looks and acts like a real person (derogatory).¹ He hates outsiders and poor people, seeing “corruption everywhere—except within.” This might’ve prompted my first out-loud swear of the viewing.

The Romani mother makes a break for it with her baby in her arms; Frollo, convinced the bundle she’s carrying contains stolen goods, chases her down on the meanest-looking horse a Disney artist ever drew. She manages to pound on the doors of Notre Dame, begging for sanctuary, before Frollo decisively knocks Bambi out of Disney’s top slot for traumatic maternal demises.

At this point I had to pause, take a few deep breaths, and donate to a GoFundMe that hasn’t yet met its goal. I encourage you to do the same. All set? Okay, let’s continue.

Frollo promptly discovers that those swaddling clothes are not in fact concealing a shipment of fentanyl, but rather a baby with some pronounced physical differences. He’s about to pitch the kid into a well when the archdeacon—to whom I’ll refer henceforth as Priest—intervenes. Frollo has no remorse about causing the mother’s death: “I am blameless; she ran.” Insert another deep breath here. Nineteen ninety-six, people!

But Priest’s condemnation does trigger in Frollo “a twinge of fear for his immortal soul.” He asks, How do I sidestep hellfire? Priest’s answer:

A) Turn yourself in at the nearest precinct and face the consequences of your actions

B) End eight imaginary wars and receive a peace prize from the Nobel Committee, or from an actual award-holder, or from FIFA

C) Raise the child of the woman you manslaughtered as your own

Can you believe it’s C??? What on the good Lord’s green earth is wrong with Priest? Why would you entrust an infant’s wellbeing to a man who makes Vlad the Impaler look nurturing? You’re not in Silas Marner. You’re not in The Mandalorian. You’re in Project 2025! Get that kid as far away from this freak as you can!!!

But of course Frollo’s like, Hmm yeah I see the upside of having power over a helpless human. He names the kid Quasimodo (Latin for, basically, “close but no cigar”) and stashes him in the bell tower of Notre Dame, just to make the witch in Rapunzel look chill. At no point does Priest check in on this kid; he presumably just buries that body, dusts off his hands, and goes Welp, my work here is done, I hope the creepiest dude I’ve ever met is able to humanely potty train a tiny person with special needs.

Flash forward twenty years: Quasimodo (voiced by Tom Hulce) has spent his whole life in the bell tower, interacting only with Frollo and doing unpaid labor as the bell ringer.

Sidenote: Again, did Priest sign off on this? Who was ringing the bells BEFORE Quasimodo took over? How has he managed to NEVER encounter another human? Perhaps the novel answers these questions but unfortunately it is 900 pages long and my attention span simply can’t take that kind of strain, so I will never know.

Despite his isolation, Quasimodo is an absolute cinnamon roll. He cares for baby pigeons. He carves figurines based on the people he sees on the streets far below. And alas for audience members of all ages, he has three sentient gargoyles as confidantes.

These gargoyles, for the record, are the most ill-judged attempt at comic relief I’ve ever seen in cinema—worse than C-3PO’s appearances in the Star Wars prequels. They’re simply not funny! To kid me OR adult me! Particularly Jason Alexander’s gargoyle. Get him out of here before he exposes us to lethal levels of cringe. Mary Wickes’s gargoyle can stay, but only to interact with birds.

We meet Quasimodo (and the gargoyles) on the day of the Festival of Fools, an annual fair that he’s always loved watching from the tower but wishes he could actually attend. Frollo, on his daily visit to deliver rations and emotional abuse, reminds Quasimodo that he’s a “monster” who would be shunned, or shivved, by ordinary people. Do we need another break? Do we need some more deep breaths? It’s okay, this is intense!

Sidenote / palate cleanser: The Festival of Fools was a real medieval celebration that involved electing a fake Pope and generally making fun of the clergy. We should bring this back.

Mercifully Frollo doesn’t stay long; he’s off to meet his new captain of the guard, an armored stud named Phoebus (voiced by Kevin Kline, doing his best). Phoebus has just arrived in Paris, and right off the bat he obstructs the authorities he’ll soon be leading—aka some guardsmen trying to arrest a few Romani street performers. These performers are as follows:

• a small child

• a hot dancer named Esmeralda (voiced by noted non-Romani Demi Moore)

• a goat

Partly because he’s Disney’s most fantastical cryptid, a Good Cop—and partly because he’s noticed Esmeralda’s hotness—Phoebus passively impedes the guardsmen’s chase, and Esmeralda et al get away. But when Phoebus clocks in for his first shift of captaining the guard, Frollo makes it clear that this is not the vibe he’s looking for.

Frollo’s planning his very own Operation Metro (Métro?) Surge, hoping to find the Romani people’s secret “hideout,” the Court of Miracles, and wipe them all out. His previous captain of the guard didn’t meet his standards; we briefly hear that guy getting tortured offscreen. Phoebus, much like your average pre-9/11 preschooler in an AMC, is like Wtffffff, I didn’t sign up for this. But Frollo’s already hustling him off to the Festival of Fools, where Frollo “has to” put in an appearance so he can make contemptuous comments about regular people.

Meanwhile, the gargoyles convince Quasimodo to sneak out and take a gander at the festival. This works fine at first because people assume his unusual facial structure is a mask. He runs into Esmeralda and is instantly smitten. And he’s not the only one. When she performs a dance for the crowd, both Phoebus and Frollo get rock hard, and it’s very uncomfortable for the rest of us.

Next, it’s time to choose the King of Fools, the person with the most grotesque mask.² Esmeralda well-meaningly pulls Quasimodo onstage to compete, only to discover that his face isn’t a mask. Here’s what happens next:

• Crowd is briefly shocked.

• Crowd decides to be chill and crown Quasimodo the King of Fools.

• Two guardsmen throw fruit at Quasimodo and call him names.

• Others in the crowd follow suit.

• Frollo watches with grim satisfaction, seeing this as “a lesson” for Quasimodo.

To recap: The cops are the agitators! The cops set off the chaos and cruelty! Nine. Teen. Ninety. Six.

Esmeralda steps in, defending Quasimodo and calling out Frollo for letting him suffer. Cue the movie’s most timeless bit of dialogue:

• FROLLO: Silence!

• ESMERALDA: Justice!

An enraged Frollo orders Esmeralda’s arrest, which is thwarted by a combo of her own ingenuity and the collaboration of her neighbors. If you watch only one clip from this movie, watch the first minute and forty-five seconds of this one. It’s delightful and it almost made me cry, in the good way. Remember the good ways of crying?

Esmeralda ends up hiding in the cathedral. Phoebus finds her there, spars with her literally and verbally, and—when Frollo shows up with guardsmen, as he always f***ing does—claims that she’s asked for sanctuary so he can’t arrest her inside the cathedral.

Sidenote: Check it out, friends. Sand in the gears. Weaponized incompetence. Everything here except the flirting is top-tier allyship.

Frollo retorts, “Then drag her outside and—” but look, here’s our old friend Priest, telling Frollo he’s gotta come back with a warrant signed by Judge Jesus H. Christ.

After some parting creepiness that makes the subtext VERY clear, Frollo temporarily leaves Esmeralda and the audience in peace. Priest counsels a frustrated Esmeralda with I personally am useless, but you could always try praying. So she does, asking if her people and other “outcasts” could perhaps catch a freaking break. “Were you once an outcast too?” she asks a statue of Mary and Baby Jesus, two of the most famous refugees of history and myth. But oh wait, that’s right, this is a kids’ movie so of course the themes have to be spelled out. Haha. I knew that. I didn’t forget that. Haaaa.

Smash cut to Frollo channeling his lust for Esmeralda into self-righteous murderous rage: “Let her taste the fires of hell… or else let her be mine and mine alone.” This movie had the guts to look a bunch of four-year-olds in the eye and say, “You know what’s really scary? Dogmatic authority figures who make their psychosexual hang-ups other people’s problem.” NINETEEN NINETY-SIX. The themes of the next three Disney animated movies were

• don’t let fame go to your head

• girl power!

• bugs

But back to Esmeralda. The one upside of being trapped in the cathedral—other than, you know, not being kidnapped and brutalized—is that she gets to hang out with Quasimodo. He shows her the bell tower, the bells (which he’s adorably given names like Big Marie), and the view of the city. She shows him basic kindness. Everybody wins.

Quasimodo helps Esmeralda sneak out of the cathedral. In return she gives him a pendant—which is obviously also a map but remember this is technically a kids’ movie—in case he ever needs sanctuary somewhere outside Notre Dame.

When he finds out Esmeralda has escaped, Frollo leads guardsmen from house to house, offering people money in exchange for information about her whereabouts and arresting them when they refuse. He quickly gets bored with that. Since tear gas hasn’t been invented yet, he locks a family inside their home and orders Phoebus to set it on fire. Here comes another timeless exchange:

• PHOEBUS: I was not trained to murder the innocent.

• FROLLO: But you were trained to follow orders.

Phoebus goes, Yeah, about that, actually... When Frollo sets the fire himself, Phoebus rescues the family from their burning house. Frollo’s like, Cool, time to execute my own captain of the guard. When told “You threw away a promising career,” Phoebus replies, “Consider it my highest honor.” That’s right!!! ACAB but this one’s just done a “you can’t fire me, I quit” and he’s about to be beheaded(??) so I’m comfortable going all in on Team Phoebus now.

Phoebus escapes with a flesh wound; Esmeralda rescues him and brings him to Notre Dame, where she stitches him up and leaves him to recover in the bell tower with Quasimodo. This is when Quasimodo clocks that she’s attracted to Phoebus, not to him, which makes him Sad and Lonely but, notably, not a jerk about it.

Sidenote: Worth mentioning that Quasimodo is implied to have an intellectual disability and ALSO had never spoken to another human being besides Frollo until YESTERDAY. Neither of those factors makes him unworthy of having a romantic relationship, but I do feel like they’ve got more bearing than his physical appearance on Esmeralda seeing him as a friend / little brother. Save some of the “who could love this face” angst for Disney’s Phantom of the Opera.

Frollo breezes in, having figured out that Quasimodo must’ve helped Esmeralda. He casually mentions that he knows where the Court of Miracles is and will attack its inhabitants at dawn. As soon as Frollo’s gone, Phoebus pops up from his hiding place determined to

1. find the Court of Miracles tonight

2. warn Esmeralda and the other Romani so they can clear out

3. fend off sepsis with sheer willpower

Once Quasimodo figures out that his pendant is a map, he and Phoebus use it to find the Court of Miracles. One problem: Frollo has followed them there. Obviously. Hello. But once again: kids’ movie.

Everybody gets arrested. Quasimodo gets chained up in the bell tower. Phoebus gets caged outside. Esmeralda gets burned at the stake. (!!!) But not before Frollo offers to spare her life in exchange for You Know What and she spits in his face. Yesssss.

As the flames get symbolically robust and the smoke sends Esmeralda into “Maybe Dead / Maybe Just Unconscious” territory, Quasimodo breaks free of his chains, structurally compromising a good chunk of the cathedral’s architecture in the process. YES.

He rappels down to the square, scoops up Esmeralda, and swings back into the cathedral, shouting “SANCTUARY!” on her behalf at the top of his lungs. Holy cow. Are we doing okay? Do we need a hug? Here’s a virtual hug!

Frollo orders the guardsmen to breach the cathedral. Priest is like, Hey, stop that, I have a strongly worded letter, and Frollo simply body-slams him, which, tbh: he had that coming. Primary this archdeacon when he’s up for reelection.

Phoebus jailbreaks himself from his cage and mobilizes the crowd in Notre Dame’s defense. Quasimodo somehow ends up pouring lava from the cathedral balconies?!?

Sidenote / Correction: It’s actually molten lead for casting bells. But if I say lava you get the idea.

By the time Frollo gets to the bell tower, intent on leveling up to First Degree, Esmeralda’s been looking “Maybe Mostly Dead / Maybe All Dead” but chooses this highly inconvenient moment to regain consciousness. Frollo pursues her and Quasimodo onto various ledges. There are no emergency exits in the fifteenth century. He ends up on top of a non-sentient gargoyle, which conveniently breaks and Hans Grubers him onto the lava/lead-soaked ground many feet below. HECK yes. Burn, motherf***er!!!!!

Quasimodo also falls but is caught first by Esmeralda and next by Phoebus. He graciously gives these two hotties his blessing to date, which, oof, but whatever.

By now I guess the lava/lead has, uh, dried? At any rate the coast is clear, and with Esmeralda’s encouragement, Quasimodo steps outside. A tiny child pulls a “Can I touch your hair” on his face, after which he is embraced by the community. lol, sure! Don’t look up how the book ends! We don’t need to think about it!³

Plot, pacing, and structure: 3. I mean. What. Just. Happened. But also? Into it.

Characters: 3. Quasimodo is very endearing. Frollo is extremely freaking real. The co-leads are… fine; Esmeralda has spunk. Phoebus has some basic morals. The goat is there. The gargoyles are an abomination. We’ll call it a mixed bag.

Historical accuracy: 2. For an animated children’s musical, could’ve been worse!

Themes: 5. Will this movie distract you from the world’s problems? Not at all. Will you find the straightforwardness of its messages fortifying? I hope so. I did. After all, there’s nothing like a kids’ movie to confirm you’re up to speed. We know “what makes a monster and what makes a man.” We know about the choice between silence and justice. We know about sanctuary. We know about faith. We’ve got this.

1  You know it shook people because a year later the studio went full camp with Hades in Hercules. Has there been a layered Disney villain since Frollo? I can’t think of one, but I admittedly stopped paying attention around 1998.

2  Historically, and apparently also in the book, this was the Pope of Fools, but I guess a movie that had no qualms about going “Hey, kids, religion is often used as a cudgel and a shield by depraved abusers and oppressors!” decided that mocking the office of the pontiff would be a bridge too far.

3  No, for real, I’m not delving into it. This movie only seems dark until you get the barest glimpse of the original plot. Engaging with the source material can be overrated! Go have a snack or some tea instead.